Probably all of us have faced this situation where we’re counseling a mother or a friend or a father at the abortion center and we know they are lying. They absolve themselves in their mind of any connection with abortion. We have gathered enough clues to suspect strongly that they are lying. What is the best way to respond?
Right off the bat I want to say that I would never begin with an accusation that they are lying, but there definitely are times in the conversation when lies need to be exposed. Biblically, we are called to bring sin to light, and expose darkness to light. The truth will set us free, the Bible reminds us. Our goal in this article is twofold. First, we hope to help you discern at what point in the conversation that is valuable and even necessary. Secondly, we hope to show you how to convey all you need to convey even when you know they are lying without exposing the lie.
How do we expose the lies?
One of the first tried and true methods to expose lies is to keep asking questions. Stay personable and relational, but keep asking questions. Almost always the person who is lying will be tripped up by a question and expose the lie. Your questions following their contradictory answers will be enough to let them know you know he or she is lying. You also want your questions to expose truth about abortion or their relationship and understanding of God, what God says about abortion, and the incredible humanity of that precious baby.
One of our counselors wondered what to do when she suspects a boyfriend of an abortion-minded mom who says he knows nothing about what’s happening in the abortion center.
Here are some questions I might ask in this situation:
1. Did you know that this facility does abortions?
2. If you are here driving her and she’s only getting birth control pills or having a pap smear, why does she need you for moral support?
3. Are you married to her?
4. Do you know if she’s pregnant? Is that your baby if so?
5. Do you know how far along she is? Did you know that at 17 days after conception the baby has a beating heart and by six weeks detectible brain waves? When do you believe that baby became human? Did you know the Bible says that God knew that baby from the moment of conception and before? Did you know that baby has all the human DNA she will ever have at the moment of conception?
5. Do you know God? Would God want you to be in an intimate sexual relationship with someone you’re not married to?
6. Do you believe it is good to take an innocent baby’s life? Do you believe you should be giving your money or supporting someone to give their money to a facility that kills innocent babies for profit?
Truth is revealed through the evil that exists
One of the things that you are trying to convey is the evil of abortion, and the evil of supporting someone who is getting an abortion. You are also using questions as an opportunity to express truths.
Your job exposing a lie is easier if the facility only does abortions. I will flat out tell them when they say they don’t know what’s happening here, “Well, all they do here are abortions. If she’s here, she’s getting an abortion.”
If my series of questions end up shutting down the conversation, it is usually because they know they have been caught in a lie and they don’t know how to wiggle out of it anymore. At that point, oftentimes as they’re walking away, I will say, “If you feel the need to lie, then doesn’t that tell you that you don’t feel good about what you’re doing? God gives us guilt and conviction to steer us to do what’s right. Trust that voice. You can be the person God designed you to be!“
Remember: When someone is lying, sometimes the best you can do is plant seeds. You are not “unsuccessful” if they don’t run in and get the woman out or admit that they’re lying. You have planted seeds of doubt and now it’s up to God to prick the person’s conscience.
Sometimes, the best strategy is NOT to expose the lie
It is not uncommon for the person who is lying who knows he or she has been caught in the lie to end the conversation. The Holy Spirit helps me discern when there is more benefit to expose the lie than not. If I feel the person will not engage with me unless I continue to act as though he is telling the truth, then I carry on as though he is telling the truth while conveying all the information anyway!
Seek opportunities with others, too
The young man might say, “I am just a driver. I don’t have any idea why this woman is here.” I will respond with a story about an Uber driver here in Charlotte who took our information and gave it out with the result of two women choosing life and both submitting their lives to Jesus. Then I will share the three talking points to “coach” him on what to say as he gives someone the brochure. The “coaching” lays out why the baby should be saved from a biblical perspective, as well as from a humanity of the baby perspective, and then covers any resources we have to help her. I also show him my name and phone number on the back so he can have the woman call me for help.
Be respectful – but stand firm in truth
This same strategy can be used if you suspect a woman to be there for an abortion, but she is lying. Treat her respectfully as though her story is true, but still proceed to give all the info you would give if she admitted she was there for an abortion. If she is walking into a facility that provides services other than abortion, I will point out that the facility does abortions and I explain why it is not good to give money to such a facility. Again, I use the three talking points so all the important info is covered but let her feel less threatened than if I exposed her lie.
Almost always, I have found that direct confrontation and hard truths usually derail a discussion. If I can engage them in a friendly, non-confrontational manner for as long as possible, I am more able to build trust and eventually reach those hard truths.
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